So the SCOlympics are upon us once more, having been awarded to the Lindon,
Utah metropolitan area after a highly questionable bidding process.

Several delightful events are scheduled for this year's festivities:

* Synchronized Tanking.  Similar to synchronized diving, except that at
least one member of the pair must be a technology or financial analyst.
Both divers throw money in the air as they plummet off the 100 meter
platform towards the empty pool far below.

* Men's 4x100 Delay.  Like a relay, but the slowest team wins.
Participants are encouraged to switch off repeatedly and make loud noises
while doing so, with no overall winning strategy in mind.

* Javelin Catching, a.k.a. "getting the shaft".  This one should be
obvious, and is a longstanding SCOlympic tradition.

* Fencing.  No, not with swords, silly, the other kind of fencing.  You
know, trying to resell stolen property.  Another popular SCOlympic
tradition.

* Legal Wrestling.  In this variant on freestyle wrestling, a competitor
wrestles six opponents at once, all of whom belong to a much higher weight
class.  There's no time limit.  Matches end with a victory (unlikely),
defeat (very likely), disqualification for doping, or when the SCOlympics
conclude and everyone has to go home.

* Sailing & Rowing, Utah style.  Inspired by the state's long nautical
tradition.  Rowing participants use cupped hands in the water instead of
oars.  Sailing participants are required blow on the sail to make the boat
go faster.  The finish line is far away and unmarked.  All vessels have a
hole in the hull so that they're slowly sinking during the course of the
race.  The object is to make it to the end, wherever that is.
Traditionally raced in heavy fog, if possible.

* Long Bump.  Like the long jump, but participants are required to meet a
minimum steroid level, and make use of various other forms of artificial
manipulation.  Participants may experience temporary feelings of flight,
but in the end they're no better off than when they started.  The future
of this event is uncertain at the 2004 SCOlympics, and it's felt there may
not be any more long bumps.

* IP Derby.  Not televised.  Often derided as just being a "pissing
contest".

* Flying Leap To The Moon.  Participants jump as high as they can, trying
to reach the moon.  To date, nobody has succeeded.  However, participants
continue to be optimistic, saying that this is the year, it's really going
to happen this time, they can feel it.

So come see the SCOlympics!  Pick your favorite event!  And back a winner!

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