Linux Users Group Meeting

Alas, I must confess to backsliding. My downfall came in the form of a computer magazine. Inside the magazine jacket was a CD containing the evil Linux operating system! I foolishly installed the software, and - just like an alcoholic who claims he's only going to have "one drink" - I was hooked again!

Fortunately, Windows XP was still installed on my hard drive. Windows correctly detected the presence of a Linux partition, and the built-in Microsoft Snitchware immediately reported the situation to the Department of Homeland Security. Since installing Linux was a violation of my parole, I was arrested by the FBI and sentenced to a further two years in a federal penitentiary.

All this might sound tragic, but really, it's not. In the end, things worked out for the best. After only one year in prison, I became eligible for a new experimental rehabilitation program. I am happy to report that it's been a great success! After receiving counselling, medication, electroshock therapy and a prefrontal lobotomy, I am once again a happy Windows user.

As a condition of my early release from custody, the parole board has ordered me to perform 300 hours of community service. This I have gladly done. Working in close cooperation with the Business Software Alliance, I have been visiting public schools, lecturing students on the evils of open source software. I can't begin to describe the satisfaction this work gives me, saving impressionable young minds from the temptation of so-called "free software." At the end of my talk, our team hands out T-shirts emblazoned with the motto, "Linux - Just say No!"

As a further public service, we then audit the students' computers for pirated software. Just last week we caught three students with unlicensed video games installed on their machines. Since they were minors, the students were not arrested - rather, they were put in foster care and their parents were fined US$150,000 for each pirated program. Considering the seriousness of the crime, this was a mere slap on the wrist. However, since these were first-time offenders, it's understandable that the authorities should be so lenient.

Installation
This is supposed to be an operating system review, so I apologize for the above digression. Sometimes I just get carried away with my personal issues - it's probably just a side effect of the lobotomy. So let's get back on topic.

Today, I am reviewing Microsoft's greatest operating system ever, Windows Hasta La Vista, or WHLV (which is also the name of a talk radio station in Hattiesburg, Mississippi - Microsoft is now suing them for trademark infringement). But to simplify things, we'll just call this OS "Windows Vista" or "Vista" from now on.

Those who have been following the latest tech news are well aware of the fact that Vista will not, in fact, be released to the public until early 2007. Fortunately, for techies who just can't wait to get their hands on the latest and greatest offerings from Microsoft, there are two simple solutions - pay the Earth to become a Windows developer, or volunteer to be a beta tester. I chose to do the latter.

The beta version of Windows Vista - officially known as the Community Technology Preview (CTP) - can be downloaded through Microsoft's developers' site. Please note that the CTP is a time-limited copy which will self-destruct (along with your data) at a secret predetermined date.

I enthusiastically downloaded my copy and began the installation procedure. This might be a good time to mention that the Vista installation program differs from the Windows XP installer in several significant ways. For example, when XP installs, it merely wipes out any Linux partitions on the hard drive. Windows Vista, on the other hand, will go much further - it will mount any Linux partitions it finds and then plant viruses and root kits in /usr/bin. After all, Linux hackers have been doing stuff like this for years to Window users - now it's time for some payback.

Just as when you install XP, at the very end of the installation process, Vista insists that you need to type in a user's registration key. However, XP requires a mere 25-digit alpha-numeric key which is not even case-sensitive. Vista, which is far more secure, requires a 250-digit key which is case-sensitive and also includes spaces and various symbols. For example, a valid registration key might look something like this:

5|_4!C|@W/#\r$cw3 r\/1=|\xV|Zb0+aR t3qh h^0w ilE |r_1]n\/x-(pY)5\C 3k&|\|3*j[%=G(.Mx^G$Hd:" 7{OK4"GDe:E &y$C[;}4!s3C|@W/O8@#\r$Uc~w3 r\`/1=|\xV|Z"b>,0+]{*$4%f_b+a@Q=-^.>c#wC|@=}4!+sG$]Hd:C)|@W/0+&]{ qC h=G?(>,0+] \/1?+n]e{f *^j0w@~>n V^"|k\E$

Windows Hasta La Vista, baby!

All About Security
As you can see from the foregoing process, Microsoft is very concerned about security. Indeed, the 250-digit registration key is only the first step in protecting users from depraved software pirates. Microsoft has incorporated many other exciting features to ensure that Vista is the most secure OS ever!

Vista comes with built-in support for Microsoft's Software Quality Assurance program. The way it works is that if users inadvertently attempt to install a dangerous open source program such as the notorious OpenOffice, Vista will intervene. The fiendish program won't be installed, and Vista will instead download the equivalent closed source program (in this example, Microsoft Office) and automatically bill the customer's credit card. I can't but express my admiration on this innovative approach to protecting customers, as well as Microsoft's profits.

Microsoft's award winning browser, Internet Explorer, has also been beefed up with new security features. For example, attempting to download illicit MP3 files will result in a security alert being emailed to the RIAA. Similarly, any attempt to share movies will be reported to the MPAA. Software pirates will have their activities reported to the Business Software Alliance. All other suspicious activities will be reported to the Department of Homeland Security and Interpol. Only through such diligent cooperative efforts between Microsoft and the relevant authorities can we protect our cherished free society.

One frequently requested feature by users is the ability to encrypt the filesystem, and Vista supports this. However, the filesystem is not encrypted by default - the user has to set this up. When you enable this feature, Vista sends an email to inform the US National Security Agency (NSA) that you have done so. Then, using the NSA Back Door, FBI agents can periodically check your computer to ensure that your machine contains no terrorist messages, pornography or open source software. Users might be concerned about having such a back door on their system, but they really shouldn't be. The FBI has assured everybody that they will not abuse this power, and only concentrate on catching terrorists and other miscreants. I see no reason not to believe them. After all, if you can't trust the FBI, who can you trust?

Project Cyborg
One of Microsoft's most innovative projects yet involves the use of Radio Frequency Identification (RFID) tags. These "tags" - a chip smaller than a grain of rice - have generated much discussion lately. Large supermarkets and department stores are very interested in placing RFIDs inside of products - then a tag reader at the cash register would automatically ring up the purchase without the need to physically handle the merchandise. RFIDs have also been used for electronic toll collection. The chips have also been placed under the skin of dogs and cats in order to identify lost pets. Most recently, several countries have decided to put RFIDs into "biometric passports" - this makes it much easier for criminals and terrorists to identify wealthy foreign tourists in a crowd, which helps facilitate mugging and kidnapping.

Further expanding on this great new technology, Microsoft plans to use RFIDs with Window Vista in order to facilitate payment. Here's how it would work. First, Vista users would get the tag surgically implanted in a convenient location, most likely the back of the neck. The RFID would contain an individual's Windows product registration key, so "chipped" users would no longer need to type it. Furthermore, customers with the embedded tag would be able to enjoy online shopping without the need to type credit card numbers - a tag reader on their computer would do all the work. This system is destined to replace Microsoft Passport. Other uses for the embedded RFID tag would be to alert authorities if users attempt to access forbidden web sites, or send emails to shady individuals on a government watch list.

Furthermore, thanks to Microsoft's cooperative agreement with with Wal-Mart, chipped customers would no longer need to pay cash or show their credit cards at the checkout stand.

Consumers are going to love these great new convenience features. Nevertheless, some whiny so-called "privacy advocates" have made a big fuss over Project Cyborg. Without a doubt, they are a bunch of left-wing Linux loonies who can be counted upon to always oppose the advancement of technology. Needless to say, it's a waste of time trying to argue with these Luddites - it's just best to ignore them.

Special Edition
As you may have read elsewhere, Microsoft plans to release several editions of Windows Vista, thus catering to specialized markets. For example, several high-ranking government officials and Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates would like a special edition that lacks a registration key, does not monitor online activity, and doesn't support Project Cyborg. Microsoft will generously cater to these customers' needs by producing a version that meets their requirements - however, it will only run a rare computer based on a CPU called an Itanium, affectionately known to geeks as the Itanic. Literally dozens of Itanics have been sold so far, and market analysts predict that nearly 100 will be in circulation by year 2010.

Conclusion
Clearly, with Windows Hasta La Vista, Microsoft has another winner on its hands. With valuable built-in convenience features and ironclad security, Microsoft has definitely responded to customers' needs. Furthermore, erh...ahh, what's this? Sorry everybody, somebody is at the door. Just a moment...

It's the Intellectual Property Police. Hmm...they've got a warrant. It seems that by writing this review, I violated the Non-Disclosure Agreement which I clicked on when I downloaded the beta. Damn, I really need to read those 150-page End User License Agreements before clicking on "I Agree." Oh well, you've got hand it to Windows Vista - just look at how efficient it was at reporting my illegal activities to the authorities! What an amazing operating system!

I'm about to be arrested, so I guess it might be a few more years before you'll be hearing from me. Given the circumstances, I can't think of a more appropriate thing to say except, Hasta la vista!